You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
