She is in my trunk
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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