I want to walk on stilts...naked
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
it glows. i had to have it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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