she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
