upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
