Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im six kinds of drunk right now
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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