Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Come on in and take your pants off
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