I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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