So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
