Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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