Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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