I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
