things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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