I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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