Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
