i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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