What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You pole danced in your parka.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
