"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
