so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
id be glad to
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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