Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
