May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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