On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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