Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He better not be in your backpack
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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