do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
