There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
