I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
