You really coming over, don't trick.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
