there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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