Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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