Can Purell be used as lube?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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