I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
