Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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