Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
