Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
