I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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