Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
