were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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