We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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