I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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