i wish starbucks made bloody marys
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
