Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
