This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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