I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
