Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
