last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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