I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
