I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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