I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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