and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
