I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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