I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
