Ketchup is God's man juice
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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